You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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