so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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