If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
