dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
