I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
