Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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