I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
