I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I need water and some morals
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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