Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
