im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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