Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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