the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
