I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
