cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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