Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize