those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
