Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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