Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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