I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
