They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
