trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
did i walk over a car last night?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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