No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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