Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
As shirtless as possible
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
