I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
