nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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