How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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