I just pynch a tree in the face
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
