You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
