I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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