i just wanna soil my oats bro
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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