i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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