shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
