She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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