I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
