they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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