I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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