I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
