I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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