Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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