Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
