My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Four minutes until I can fart!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
