I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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