I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
