if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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