This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
