you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize