I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
