was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
