i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
