I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize