You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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