It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
