Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
