one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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