Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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