I am puke
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
