last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
